hope for your hurts

The older I get the more I realize that people are good at telling you exactly what you want to hear. People are really good at listening to you when you want to tell secrets about yourself. People are good at flattering you, building you up, being that shoulder to lean on...and then ripping the proverbial carpet out from under you. Through the friendships I've had and lost over the years I've noticed a theme: We, and I say we because I do it too, care so much about ourselves and what others think of us and how other perceive our lives to be, we forget to be genuine. So we flatter, we lie, we listen, and we wait because eventually our friendships will stop being convenient and we can spill that dirty little secret or we can move on to the next one, carefree because we let others pour their hearts out while we simply listened. We tear others down so we can look better. We throw away sincerity for moments of popularity. So when we are hurt by a friend, a significant other, a family member, we build up walls. We vow to never be hurt like that again, never open up again, never feel that awful sting of betrayal. So we become our hurt. We listen, we are insincere, we are flatterers, we wait for others to come to us instead of reaching out for a purpose. Its a vicious cycle that almost seems unbreakable.

I am tired of the fakeness. I'm tired of putting on a different persona for different people. If I want to have genuine relationships and friendships shouldn't I be genuine? Shouldn't I care and pursue and love others deeply? Why are we so skeptical and critical of others intentions? Because we've been hurt. We are walking damaged goods and we can't be healed until we let go of the bitterness. For months I've been begging God for clarity, for answers, all while I've held bitterness against a person who I let hurt me over and over again. And I'm not going to get my answers until I let that go. It's not easy, but when God told me "No." I fought Him, and I let that hurt continue to happen when God tried to stop it with a simple answer. Check your heart. Find that root of bitterness, of insincerity, of hurt and dig it up. Get rid of it, listen to God's answer and stop fighting. He will wait as long as it takes, but wouldn't it be so much easier to let it go and rest in your Father's arms?

& nothing shall offend them.

Isn't it funny how easily we can get offended?
I am a sensitive person, and easily 25 times a day I can get my feelings hurt. But when you really take a moment and think about it, why are people so easily offended? Was it a miscommunication? Are you guilty of what they accused you of doing? Is that something you've been working on and it hurts to know you're not doing any better? Why can words be so hurtful and damaging?

One of my favorite quotes is "Be sure to taste your words before you spit them out." It's so easy in ministry, in life, at work or home to just spit out the words we are thinking. We feel a sense of entitlement to say whatever is our minds because we are "just being honest." We are so funny, we think we have this right to act a certain way, when we really only have the right to be kind and tenderhearted.{Eph 4:23} We don't have a right to be rude, to be harsh or sarcastic with a smile. God has a tendency to put people in our lives that are different than us. Maybe the way we would handle or respond to a situation is the the exact opposite of how they would respond. So, when they act a certain way we are offended.  We "get in our feelings" so to speak.  And a wall goes up. We become hard or annoyed instead of being soft and teachable.

I wonder sometimes if God is sitting up there thinking, you could have avoided this confrontation if you had simply learned the lesson when I first gave it to you. Becoming offended or angry is not the answer. The Bible says "Great peace have they that love thy law and nothing shall offend them." I cannot tell you how many times that verse has popped into my mind when I'm annoyed at someone. I find that when I am not actively pursing God and spending quality time in His word and with Him I am easily offended. But -- when I have an open line of communication with Him I am more likely to talk with Him about the current offence, instead of someone that can do nothing to change my heart or fix my problem.

I'm learning that if you refuse to confront the problem -- let it go. Otherwise talk to someone that can fix the problem instead of spreading ugly words about others. God did not save us to harbor bitterness against others, especially other Christians. Every day I'm thankful God shows more grace to me than I show to others. If my grace scale was balanced with how much I showed to others....eek. I hate to think what my life would be like. He is so good to us when we are so undeserving, and I have the right to be nothing but thankful.

 ||"Not everyone thinks the way you think. Not everyone knows the things you know. Not everyone feels the way you feel, nor acts the way you would act. Remember this and you will go a long way with people."||

{Cure For A Lonely Heart}

Personally, I think the hardest part of growing up is the realization that people grow apart. Some days it feels like I'm always losing friends. The people I was "besties" with even a few months ago, I barely text or contact anymore. Friendships from high school are almost nonexistent. People grow up, they change, they move on with their lives and you with yours. Trying to balance college, jobs, family, ministry, time for yourself...it can be overwhelming. Sometimes you don't think about the friendships you've lost. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it doesn't bother you. Relationships change, the person you thought you couldn't live without becomes a stranger. The person you thought was your "ride or die" suddenly is too busy to answer your calls. Growing up often has a harsh way of letting you know that the world doesn't revolve around you and peoples lives don't either. Social media doesn't help the hurt, you can "stalk"-- okay, maybe stalking is a harsh word, but in essence isn't that what we do by constantly viewing someone's page-- almost like opening a wound over and over again when your "bestie" or your "ex" is moving on with their lives and other people. You lose focus of the people who are there for you and have been there for you no matter and focus on the people you have lost.

It's hard. It's hurtful. But it's also just part of life. Take a second, think about the friendships, relationships, or just people you have lost. Have they been replaced? Hasn't God always put someone in your life that can fill that spot? If not with a physical person, is that a void He should have been filling in your life? Were you letting that person take the place the belongs only to Him? I'm learning that God takes away things that we put above Him. And I'm learning how easy it is to replace God with people. We can touch people, we can "rely" on people when we think God is not reliable. In all honesty, we are only setting ourselves up for hurt when we think that people could take the place of God. When we think that people could fill that longing in our heart for acceptance and love and attention.

Friendships and relationships are wonderful gifts from God, don't think I'm saying we shouldn't have friends. We just have to be careful. We get trapped in this "Peter Pan" mentality of never growing up, never taking responsibility and never discovering happiness for ourselves because we rely so much on other people for our happiness. Society puts so much pressure of us having the most friends, the most likes, the most double taps, that we forget that it's okay to be alone or just have a few close friends. The whole world doesn't have to love us, follow us, or even like us, our worth isn't tangent on the acceptance of others.

Sometimes we forget (I have to constantly remind myself) Jesus understands. He was betrayed by His friend. Someone He spent time with, someone who was supposed to "have His back" hurt Him. He gets it, He's felt those emotions. We put up these walls, this "I don't care, no one can hurt me facade." But He sees through that, and honestly most people do too. You can put all over social media how you're "over it" "Miss moving on" or just "not caring anymore" but we all know deep down you care, deep down (maybe even not so deep) you're hurt.

I think we forget we are allowed to hurt. We are allowed to be sad and to run to the One who can heal our hurts. Psalm 71:3 says ||Be thou my strong habitation whereunto I may continually resort....for thou art my rock and my fortress.|| He loves us, He wants us to come to Him. When I find myself hurting instead of texting my current "bestie" or distracting myself with Facebook or snapchat, I should be talking to the only One who can heal my hurt.

"The cure to a lonely heart is to be alone with Jesus."

Take some time to talk to Him today, let Him fill that spot--that craving for attention love and acceptance--that can only be satisfied by Him.

I have made thee, and I will sustain thee.

I had a relapse yesterday. Broke down. Cried. Hurt. A hurt that I pushed down so far, so quickly and painfully came back to the surface. Usually when this happens I run to my friends, calling them up crying to them, or look at old pictures and wallow in those memories that will never be reality again. But this time, it was different. This time instead of running to everyone else. I ran to the One who made me. The One who created my emotions and my heart and my feelings and I took it to Him. I reminded Him that I was hurting and He didn't want me to hurt. And you know what, it helped me more than talking to anyone about it ever could. I rested on His promises and spent some extra time in His word. I was reminded that He is my comfort and my completion. He is the one who I find my worth in. He is the one who will never let me down. He gently wiped my tears aways and told me I am loved and accepted by Him. And I always will be, no matter how ugly I am to Him, no matter how I'm feeling, no matter how worthless I feel. I am His.
Fifteen more days until I close the chapter of my life at West Coast. 2 years ago I thought my life was going in a totally different direction. I thought surely by 20 I would at the very least be in a very serious relationship, getting a law degree, and not thinking twice about ministry or my one semester at West Coast. Yet here I am, five semesters later, about to take a job at a church, single, closer to God than I've ever been. Truly happy. Because God's timing is perfect. My Dad always said, if you don't have a plan, stay where you are. Well two years ago I thought I had a plan, but I opened my hands and said "Here God, this belongs to you." And He took my plans from me. Every single thing I thought was best for me, and every thing I wanted out of life-- He took. But He gives more grace, and He gave me more than I could even dream about giving myself. I have an excellent job, I'll be close to my family, I will be near my best friend, I have an awesome boss, I'm about to finish what I started, and continue with my education and my dream to become a counselor. Honestly, I don't know where I would be if I hadn't given myself to Him. He's so good to me. Even when I least deserve it.
Even though Thanksgiving is over, I'm so thankful for all God has done for me this past semester. He has grown me and stretched me, and although the future is scary and uncertain, I'm glad the One who holds the future, holds my hand.

Pumpkin spice and everything nice

That's what white girls (and mixed girls;) are made of! I love the idea of pumpkin spice I really do! I just can't bring myself to drink the coffee from the coffee shop here. It's gross. The ones at Starbucks are perf mcgerf though. But I love fall! I've never really been homesick, but this semester I just miss fall and home and everything about the east coast! But that's okay. It was like 90 degrees today, and I'm so okay with that. I do love California. So my marathon training is coming along quite nicely, and the cross training is even better! My whole body is super sore! Which is great! So, school is going well, grades are good, social life is...kinda there. Walk is going good. Falling in love with Jesus is just oh so wonderful. What else is going on...I now have my own closet. Which is a lovely plus. I'm almost done with a project. I finished the Maze Runner series. I turned in my resume. That was scary! Midterms means the semester is halfway over. In a few short weeks I will be closing the chapter on dorm life on E. Lancaster Blvd. Oh boy. Adulthood is slowly creeping up on me. As scary as life is sometimes I'm so excited about the present. God is good, today is good, tomorrow can always be better, but there's no time like the present. It's a gift. Take it. Love it. Live it.
I need another cup of coffee. Where is that pumpkin creamer...

He is jealous for me

As I sit here with my green smoothie instead of the yummy cheeseburger I want to be eating... I wonder if God laughs at us. I wonder if He laughs at how petty we are as humans. if He chuckles when we cry and dramatize the things He totally has under control. I wonder if He laughs quietly when we try to manipulate things in our favor, when He knows exactly how it will all play out in the end. I think He does, I think sometimes God gently pats us on the head and says "Ok little one, if you're finished playing, crying and trying so hard, I'll take care of it now for you." I'm so glad I serve a God who is big enough to solve all my problems. Jeremiah 31:3 Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee. 
I just love that. So much.
Today I was able to counsel a freshman. I worked on my listening skills and used all the techniques I've been learning in my classes. I can't wait for this to become my life. I love seeing people change because the hope of glory is now in them. It just makes my heart feel so full.
Well, sorry this is so short, smoothies almost gone and I am quite tired!
Oh how He loves us.

And when the oceans rage...

Sorry guys. I'm really bad at being constant with this blogging thing. I will try to do better.
Some days are just really hard. You're homesick. Your heart is hurting. You feel like silly and childish for letting these emotions get the best of you yet again, when you are trying so hard to keep your thoughts under subjection and move on with your life. But sometimes the thoughts just come rushing in, memories, feelings. Isn't it funny how when you're having a rough day every class you have or every person you talk to in a round about way addresses your problem? Today for instance, I was having a rough morning and I was feeling a little inadequate. I am a counseling minor so in my advanced counseling class today we were talking about being complete in Christ. Just a subtle reminder of how the Lord wants me to find my self worth in Him, not in what others think or say about me. Words of affirmation are not really my love language, they are nice but I'm more of a touch or gifts kind of person. But today, I needed those words, I needed someone to tell me I was good enough. That I was loved. That I was accepted. Well, Someone did. He told me He loves me and held me in His arms and let me be weak so His strength could be perfected. I am so glad I have Jesus. Without Him, and the hope that He gives, the day would have been unbearable. Some days are hard. But life isn't fair. People let you down. People hurt you. You won't always feel good enough. You won't always get what you want when you want it. Sometimes I think I expect God to give me what I want when I want it. And then I'm reminded that maybe theres a reason why I don't have what I want. The timing should never be mine, If I get what I want when I want it....I might not want it so much anymore. God's timing is impeccably perfect. And He sees the bigger picture. He sees exactly what I need, He is painting my canvas and giving me the grace and color as He sees fit. I can't rush this. This summer I learned something, I learned that when I am worried, I have to give my worries to God. You might think, that's silly every one knows that, Cast all your cares upon Him. You learn that in Kindergarden, well yes I did. But I always thought that it meant that when I give those worries to God I can never ever think about them anymore, and I can never ever have those feelings anymore. That I would have to harden my heart against those emotions and "move on." Well this summer I learned that is so far from the truth. I can go to my Father and visit those worries anytime. But they have to be at His feet. That's why the Bible says pray without ceasing. I am only allowed to have those worries when I'm talking to God about them. Today I spent some extra time at His feet, and He never once told me He was too busy, or pushed me away because I wasn't good enough. He wiped my tears and picked up my broken pieces and replaced them with hope and truth that only He can give. I'm so thankful for my Jesus, my Father, my Friend.
When the oceans rage, I don't have to be afraid.