I had a relapse yesterday. Broke down. Cried. Hurt. A hurt that I pushed down so far, so quickly and painfully came back to the surface. Usually when this happens I run to my friends, calling them up crying to them, or look at old pictures and wallow in those memories that will never be reality again. But this time, it was different. This time instead of running to everyone else. I ran to the One who made me. The One who created my emotions and my heart and my feelings and I took it to Him. I reminded Him that I was hurting and He didn't want me to hurt. And you know what, it helped me more than talking to anyone about it ever could. I rested on His promises and spent some extra time in His word. I was reminded that He is my comfort and my completion. He is the one who I find my worth in. He is the one who will never let me down. He gently wiped my tears aways and told me I am loved and accepted by Him. And I always will be, no matter how ugly I am to Him, no matter how I'm feeling, no matter how worthless I feel. I am His.
Fifteen more days until I close the chapter of my life at West Coast. 2 years ago I thought my life was going in a totally different direction. I thought surely by 20 I would at the very least be in a very serious relationship, getting a law degree, and not thinking twice about ministry or my one semester at West Coast. Yet here I am, five semesters later, about to take a job at a church, single, closer to God than I've ever been. Truly happy. Because God's timing is perfect. My Dad always said, if you don't have a plan, stay where you are. Well two years ago I thought I had a plan, but I opened my hands and said "Here God, this belongs to you." And He took my plans from me. Every single thing I thought was best for me, and every thing I wanted out of life-- He took. But He gives more grace, and He gave me more than I could even dream about giving myself. I have an excellent job, I'll be close to my family, I will be near my best friend, I have an awesome boss, I'm about to finish what I started, and continue with my education and my dream to become a counselor. Honestly, I don't know where I would be if I hadn't given myself to Him. He's so good to me. Even when I least deserve it.
Even though Thanksgiving is over, I'm so thankful for all God has done for me this past semester. He has grown me and stretched me, and although the future is scary and uncertain, I'm glad the One who holds the future, holds my hand.
