Church Hurt and the Bitterness Root.

Church hurt. Whether you've grown up in church or you're a Chreaster (Christmas and Easter only), it's very likely you've experienced "church hurt." If you've grown up in a church I'm sure you've experienced it first hand, and if not I'm sure you know someone that has. I have grown up in church, I currently work for a church, so there are plenty of opportunities for me to get hurt. I've been burned by people I've confided in, I've had people say hateful lies about me, I've been accused of doing something I didn't do, but you know what? I'm sure at some point in my 21 years of going to church, someone was hurt by me. I gossiped about someone and it got back to them, I magnified someone else's sin to  make my mistakes seem smaller. I believe so often, especially people my age, when we are hurt we leave. We run. We quit. We stop going to church, we stop hanging out with our "church friends", we stop serving with all our heart. And the root of bitterness gets a little bit deeper. Yesterday, Pastor Kenny preached a pretty basic gospel message but one thing that he said really resonated with me. "The gospel never hurt anybody." Jesus has never once hurt me. The Bible has never one time put me in the wrong direction. People hurt people. Because I've followed my own desires I've ended up in places I never imagined I would ever be. Places where I can see my rotten attitude affecting my walk.

I think bitterness can be so easy to disguise. You say "I don't care what they say or think, I'm just gunna do me." But you're hurt. Words hurt. Feelings are not wrong. God created us to have emotions but He also gave us the fruit of self-control. Emotions can not determine how you live. He who hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down and without walls. Everybody hurts, everybody has felt the sting of betrayal or the iciness of bitterness creep into their heart. But when you put those walls up, that hardness in your demeanor...people can see that. People can see through your toughness, your I don't care, your halfhearted ministry. And often, probably more often than we even realize, it affects more than just you. All over churches, singles departments, youth ministries-people are hurting. I'm so tired of the fakeness. Let's be genuine Christians that care and that love and that serve like Jesus. Isn't that what we love to say, "Oh I just want to be like Jesus!" Well, Jesus wasn't petty, and I think the way Christians go around hurting other Christians breaks His heart.

I'm thankful tonight, this morning, for a God who has never one time hurt me. For a God who can remove the root of bitterness and replace it with contentment and His genuine love. I'm thankful for a God who forgives me and who is constantly reminding me that because He has forgiven me, I have no right to hold others to a higher standard of repentance. I'm thankful for a God that is real, in every sense of the word. A God who never makes mistakes. A God who has placed me in a church, that even though there a people that will cause me to get "church hurt" I know who I am in Christ and no one can take that away. Remember who you are. Remember Who you belong to. And dig up that root before it becomes a tree.

|| But God ||

Oh how I love those two words.
A while ago I remember reading those two words in Psalms in my devotions and I literally stopped reading and closed my Bible and just had a "wow" moment. But God. I made a note back in September that said this:

{But God}
I prayed for what I wanted-but God knew what I needed.
I am unworthy-but God gives more grace.
I am unlovable-but God still loves me.
I don't know what to do-but God has a plan for my life.
I am not good-but God is always good.
I can fail-but God never can.
I disappoint-but God is always faithful.

Five months later I could add so many more "but God" statements to that list. Tonight Today, I sit here with my heart so so full. Personally, something I struggle with is being presently content. I place my focus on everything I don't have and forget to enjoy and cherish what's right in front of me. No, I don't have everything I want right now---But God. He has given me so much. I may not have everything figured out, but God has given me some pretty wonderful amazing people that I can count on and the friendships I've made during my season of in-between have helped me through so many times when I thought it was time to give up.

We cannot see the big picture, when we complain to God: "I don't have this and my life would be so much better if I just had (insert significant other, job, degree, car, friend, etc. here)" We are basically saying "Hey God, you got it wrong and I know better so give me what I want now please! Thanks." Once again, but God! I think about all the things I wanted- even in September when I wrote that note- and I shudder to think about how my life would be right now if God had given me what I wanted and begged for back then. He knows best. There is never a time when that will not be true.

Take a second and google how many times the phrase "but God" is in the Bible. This week my favorite is Psalm 73:26 My flesh and my heart faileth but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. I am weak-but His strength is perfected in my weakness. Another excellent one, Ephesians 2:4 But God, who is rich in mercy, for his great love wherewith he loved us. A holy God loves unloveable me and not only does He love me in spite of myself- He is merciful! I mess up-but God doesn't give up.  Right now, I'm simply thankful for two little words that made a big difference in my life.

Goodbye 2015.

You are given a blank 366 page notebook.
You are given a pencil with no eraser.
Write wisely.


This is one of my favorite quotes going around this year. No one ever says "wow, this year. it's gunna be a bad one, I think I'm going to have some tough times, I think I'm gunna go through some trials, some heartache." No. That would be crazy! Everyone ends December 31 by closing a door and begins January 1st with a brand new outlook and hope for the best year ever. But about the other 364 days? Resolutions only last so long. Eventually you stop going to gym, you eat that pizza, you forget to do your devotions, or work on that book you promised you'd finish this year. And suddenly you've blinked and another year has gone by. What have you accomplished? What goals have you met? Who feels more loved or wanted, because of the impact you made on their life this past year? What have you done for God, because He has done so much for you. What did your year consist of--complaints? Simply surviving day to day? And what do you have to show for it? I don't ever want to live a life that is simply surviving when I was created to thrive.

2015 was probably the hardest year of my life. At times in the past month,  to be completely honest, I've said it was the worst. I wasn't able to use the excuse "I'm just a kid!" Because I'm not anymore. I have a full time job, and bills, and real life grown up issues to deal with. And my oh my was that quite the transition and wake up call from my comfort zone. So, I've said-"2016 is going to be my year! I can feel it." But yesterday, God tugged on my heart and said "2015 was your year too, yes it was hard, it wasn't very fun, but I taught you a lot of things, you learned a lot of hard lessons. Yes, you failed some tests, but you passed some pretty important ones, ones that would have been much harder had I had to teach you them again. Daughter, you are loved. 2016 will be your year, if you take everything you've learned from 2015 and put it to action."

So friends, let me share with you some of the highlights:

• Choose Joy.

Joy is a fruit of the Spirit, therefore nothing you can do can constitute joy. So you must choose it. You must cultivate that fruit daily. Walk in the Spirit - determining every day that you will choose joy and adjusting your attitude accordingly.

• God will place people in your life over and over again until you learn how to love them with the genuine love of Christ.

This is something I'm still learning. You'd think that after a specific personality type has been in your life about four or five times, I would learn my lesson, but I didn't. And this year, being in a brand new place with people I had never met before. God put some people in my life who's personalities and pasts were completely different than mine. And I had to see them every day! So what choice did I have but to learn my lesson! (Don't tell me God doesn't know juuuust how to put us in our place.)

But learning to love people where they are and in spite of themselves is so important, not just in ministry but in life. 

• You can't ask God to bless your finances and still buy 3 mugs a month from Target

This is self-explanatory. Live within your means and sometimes learn to say no. But don't forget to treat yo'self every once in a while. ;)

• Make friends with people who are more spiritually mature than you, so when you are going through a hard time, they will encourage and counsel you--but not sugar coat things. 

Two of my closest friends that I met this year are easily among the wisest people I know. I know that anything I'm struggling with or I need prayer for, I can ask these two and without a doubt, they will have an answer or a verse, or a prayer ready to give me. Good friends are so important, the Bible talks a lot about friendships. So choose wisely. 

• There will be times where you will be very lonely. Be careful.

Loneliness is God's way of getting our attention back on Him, but all too often, in our flesh we turn to our idols in times of loneliness. Check your heart. Late at night when you feel like no one understands. Open your bible. Pray. Talk to the One who created your feelings, the One who does understand. Do not text that boy(or girl, if you're a guy), or cry and feel sorry for yourself. Don't make emotional decisions based on a empty feeling. You will regret it and eventually have to be honest with yourself and figure out why you are feeling what you are feeling. Surround yourself with good friends, spend time with God, and sometimes-embrace being alone and being still. 

• Remember who you are. Just because someone can't see your value or worth doesn't mean your worthless. You are bought with a price.

You know that part in Lion King where Rafiki says to Simba "Remember who you are!" If you don't remember, because you haven't seen that movie, stop reading...and go watch it. Then come back. Don't let others determine your worth when Christ already has! Straighten that crown, your Father is a King. And you deserve to be treated as valuable. Waiting can be hard. But settling and complacency is cheating yourself out of the beautiful thing God has for you. 

• Ministry is about loving people and being the face of Christ for others. You can't do that if you're spiritually empty

Replenish yourself constantly. Don't get stagnant in your walk with God. If you miss a day of your reading, get back up. Don't use your devotions as a good luck charm to have a good day, because you won't always have good days. But you will always have that sweet communion with God every time you open His love letter to you.

• Stop opening doors God has closed. 

Stop it. Stop kicking and screaming in the hallway. Accept that greater is coming. That His ways are higher than yours and He sees what you cannot. God never wants to hurts us, but you will be hurt when God has to tell you about yourself because you refuse to listen to His prodding "Get up. Stop fighting. I have something better for you."

• And finally-Choose your friends wisely. Not everyone is looking out for your best interests. 

Coming into a new environment, you want to be everyone's friend. You want everyone to love you. But two things I've learned are true. (1)No matter what you do, some people are just not going to like you. And (2) some people will say that they are your friend, but their actions say the opposite. Keep your circles small. Love everyone and be kind always. But not everyone has to your be your bestie. Some people are being used by the Devil, to be part of your downfall. Rise above it. Live your life in such a way that when men speak evil of you, no one believes it. 

2015 was not easy. But I am not the same person I was on January 16, 2015 when I moved to Falls Church Virginia. And I am so thankful. God is so good. 2016 is my year, I do feel it. Some exciting things are going to happen. But it's also going to be a year full of lessons and blank pages so here's to handing God my pencil-and letting Him write a beautiful story.