I have made thee, and I will sustain thee.

I had a relapse yesterday. Broke down. Cried. Hurt. A hurt that I pushed down so far, so quickly and painfully came back to the surface. Usually when this happens I run to my friends, calling them up crying to them, or look at old pictures and wallow in those memories that will never be reality again. But this time, it was different. This time instead of running to everyone else. I ran to the One who made me. The One who created my emotions and my heart and my feelings and I took it to Him. I reminded Him that I was hurting and He didn't want me to hurt. And you know what, it helped me more than talking to anyone about it ever could. I rested on His promises and spent some extra time in His word. I was reminded that He is my comfort and my completion. He is the one who I find my worth in. He is the one who will never let me down. He gently wiped my tears aways and told me I am loved and accepted by Him. And I always will be, no matter how ugly I am to Him, no matter how I'm feeling, no matter how worthless I feel. I am His.
Fifteen more days until I close the chapter of my life at West Coast. 2 years ago I thought my life was going in a totally different direction. I thought surely by 20 I would at the very least be in a very serious relationship, getting a law degree, and not thinking twice about ministry or my one semester at West Coast. Yet here I am, five semesters later, about to take a job at a church, single, closer to God than I've ever been. Truly happy. Because God's timing is perfect. My Dad always said, if you don't have a plan, stay where you are. Well two years ago I thought I had a plan, but I opened my hands and said "Here God, this belongs to you." And He took my plans from me. Every single thing I thought was best for me, and every thing I wanted out of life-- He took. But He gives more grace, and He gave me more than I could even dream about giving myself. I have an excellent job, I'll be close to my family, I will be near my best friend, I have an awesome boss, I'm about to finish what I started, and continue with my education and my dream to become a counselor. Honestly, I don't know where I would be if I hadn't given myself to Him. He's so good to me. Even when I least deserve it.
Even though Thanksgiving is over, I'm so thankful for all God has done for me this past semester. He has grown me and stretched me, and although the future is scary and uncertain, I'm glad the One who holds the future, holds my hand.

Pumpkin spice and everything nice

That's what white girls (and mixed girls;) are made of! I love the idea of pumpkin spice I really do! I just can't bring myself to drink the coffee from the coffee shop here. It's gross. The ones at Starbucks are perf mcgerf though. But I love fall! I've never really been homesick, but this semester I just miss fall and home and everything about the east coast! But that's okay. It was like 90 degrees today, and I'm so okay with that. I do love California. So my marathon training is coming along quite nicely, and the cross training is even better! My whole body is super sore! Which is great! So, school is going well, grades are good, social life is...kinda there. Walk is going good. Falling in love with Jesus is just oh so wonderful. What else is going on...I now have my own closet. Which is a lovely plus. I'm almost done with a project. I finished the Maze Runner series. I turned in my resume. That was scary! Midterms means the semester is halfway over. In a few short weeks I will be closing the chapter on dorm life on E. Lancaster Blvd. Oh boy. Adulthood is slowly creeping up on me. As scary as life is sometimes I'm so excited about the present. God is good, today is good, tomorrow can always be better, but there's no time like the present. It's a gift. Take it. Love it. Live it.
I need another cup of coffee. Where is that pumpkin creamer...

He is jealous for me

As I sit here with my green smoothie instead of the yummy cheeseburger I want to be eating... I wonder if God laughs at us. I wonder if He laughs at how petty we are as humans. if He chuckles when we cry and dramatize the things He totally has under control. I wonder if He laughs quietly when we try to manipulate things in our favor, when He knows exactly how it will all play out in the end. I think He does, I think sometimes God gently pats us on the head and says "Ok little one, if you're finished playing, crying and trying so hard, I'll take care of it now for you." I'm so glad I serve a God who is big enough to solve all my problems. Jeremiah 31:3 Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee. 
I just love that. So much.
Today I was able to counsel a freshman. I worked on my listening skills and used all the techniques I've been learning in my classes. I can't wait for this to become my life. I love seeing people change because the hope of glory is now in them. It just makes my heart feel so full.
Well, sorry this is so short, smoothies almost gone and I am quite tired!
Oh how He loves us.

And when the oceans rage...

Sorry guys. I'm really bad at being constant with this blogging thing. I will try to do better.
Some days are just really hard. You're homesick. Your heart is hurting. You feel like silly and childish for letting these emotions get the best of you yet again, when you are trying so hard to keep your thoughts under subjection and move on with your life. But sometimes the thoughts just come rushing in, memories, feelings. Isn't it funny how when you're having a rough day every class you have or every person you talk to in a round about way addresses your problem? Today for instance, I was having a rough morning and I was feeling a little inadequate. I am a counseling minor so in my advanced counseling class today we were talking about being complete in Christ. Just a subtle reminder of how the Lord wants me to find my self worth in Him, not in what others think or say about me. Words of affirmation are not really my love language, they are nice but I'm more of a touch or gifts kind of person. But today, I needed those words, I needed someone to tell me I was good enough. That I was loved. That I was accepted. Well, Someone did. He told me He loves me and held me in His arms and let me be weak so His strength could be perfected. I am so glad I have Jesus. Without Him, and the hope that He gives, the day would have been unbearable. Some days are hard. But life isn't fair. People let you down. People hurt you. You won't always feel good enough. You won't always get what you want when you want it. Sometimes I think I expect God to give me what I want when I want it. And then I'm reminded that maybe theres a reason why I don't have what I want. The timing should never be mine, If I get what I want when I want it....I might not want it so much anymore. God's timing is impeccably perfect. And He sees the bigger picture. He sees exactly what I need, He is painting my canvas and giving me the grace and color as He sees fit. I can't rush this. This summer I learned something, I learned that when I am worried, I have to give my worries to God. You might think, that's silly every one knows that, Cast all your cares upon Him. You learn that in Kindergarden, well yes I did. But I always thought that it meant that when I give those worries to God I can never ever think about them anymore, and I can never ever have those feelings anymore. That I would have to harden my heart against those emotions and "move on." Well this summer I learned that is so far from the truth. I can go to my Father and visit those worries anytime. But they have to be at His feet. That's why the Bible says pray without ceasing. I am only allowed to have those worries when I'm talking to God about them. Today I spent some extra time at His feet, and He never once told me He was too busy, or pushed me away because I wasn't good enough. He wiped my tears and picked up my broken pieces and replaced them with hope and truth that only He can give. I'm so thankful for my Jesus, my Father, my Friend.
When the oceans rage, I don't have to be afraid.

Dealing with others

"People aren't against you; they are for themselves."
Wow.
Go back and read that again.
And you wanna know something cool? Today, I went to a split session about "Dealing with difficult people" and the speaker spoke about how sometimes when someone gets mad at you, it's really not a about you at all. Which also kinda blew my mind a little, because most times that is so true.
Often times people don't like what you represent or what/who you remind them of. Not exactly the same thing, but kind of along those lines.
Anyways, back to the quote. Ever have one of those days where you think the whole world is out to get you? It's easy to feel like that, and I find myself believing that lie quite often. But think about it...can you honestly say, "I really don't like (insert name of a person here)" Or would a more honest statement be..."I wish I was doing what so and so is doing" or "I wish I was as pretty as them" or "I really wish they had noticed/chosen me" My senior year of high school I realized that whenever I would talk about someone or bad mouth someone, usually at the root of it all, I was jealous of them. They were prettier than me, they had what I wanted, they got more attention than I did. Are you seeing the common denominator here? It's me. I'm selfish. My mom always used to tell me, "People won't remember what you wore last week because people are too worried about themselves." And the older I get the truer...truer? Is that a word? The more true that statement becomes. So next time your "enemy" gets that promotion, or that boyfriend, or that new car. Don't think it's because they want to one up you, or because they can't stand you. Its really because they are looking out for their # 1. Themselves. You do it too, before you get all high and mighty on me. Which brings me to next and final point, (three points and a poem, I am a Baptist my dear readers. ;) REALITY CHECK! Who should be number one in your life? Definitely not yourself! It should be the Lord. This is something I struggle with daily, the Bible says in Proverbs 16:18, Pride goeth before a fall. Better watch that, The Lord is not slack concerning His promises. And pride is such a deadly sin, it eats away at you and corrodes your heart until you're so consumed with yourself you lose sight of the One who loves you so very much. And often we are so full of ourselves we forget that people may not even have a problem with us! We just think we are the center of our own universe, so everything and everyone must be against us. It may not be *you* that they are against, it might be what you stand for, or what you remind them of. Don't take everything so personally. It really is not all about you. So...to sum it all up. "People aren't against you; they are for themselves." Think about that next time you want to rain on someone's parade, or the next time your parade gets rained on. Do a little soul searching and a little reality checking. And then like my parents always tell me, LET. IT. GO. (Man, that's a good phrase, someone should write a song about it ;)
Just a thought. :)

God is great, God is good.

Thought for the day: "God is good, God is kind, God will never be any less than you need."
This has just been running through my mind all day, I've really just been basking in the grace of God's goodness, He is just always more than enough for me. Sometimes it's easy for me to say God is not good because He is not giving me what I want. And I feel like there isn't much I want in life, but the few things I do want...He's not giving me. Why? Because He is good. Because He sees the bigger picture. He sees the things I cannot see for myself. This semester I am trying to keep a good balance. I tell people I'm obsessed with, a boy who will remain nameless, coffee, running, and Jesus. But...my problem with that is...that's the order I'm obsessed. Why isn't Jesus first? I can't go a day without coffee, I try not to go days without running, and Lord knows I don't go days without thinking about said boy, but for some reason I can go days without reading my Bible...and not be overly concerned. That's a problem. Its definitely something I'm working on, so far this semester I've been pretty balanced. Hopefully it will stay that way. But I'm thankful for His grace always being sufficient. So when I let Him down, He's always there to pick me up. God is good. God is Kind. God will never be any less than you need. I'm so thankful for His love today.