Church Hurt and the Bitterness Root.

Church hurt. Whether you've grown up in church or you're a Chreaster (Christmas and Easter only), it's very likely you've experienced "church hurt." If you've grown up in a church I'm sure you've experienced it first hand, and if not I'm sure you know someone that has. I have grown up in church, I currently work for a church, so there are plenty of opportunities for me to get hurt. I've been burned by people I've confided in, I've had people say hateful lies about me, I've been accused of doing something I didn't do, but you know what? I'm sure at some point in my 21 years of going to church, someone was hurt by me. I gossiped about someone and it got back to them, I magnified someone else's sin to  make my mistakes seem smaller. I believe so often, especially people my age, when we are hurt we leave. We run. We quit. We stop going to church, we stop hanging out with our "church friends", we stop serving with all our heart. And the root of bitterness gets a little bit deeper. Yesterday, Pastor Kenny preached a pretty basic gospel message but one thing that he said really resonated with me. "The gospel never hurt anybody." Jesus has never once hurt me. The Bible has never one time put me in the wrong direction. People hurt people. Because I've followed my own desires I've ended up in places I never imagined I would ever be. Places where I can see my rotten attitude affecting my walk.

I think bitterness can be so easy to disguise. You say "I don't care what they say or think, I'm just gunna do me." But you're hurt. Words hurt. Feelings are not wrong. God created us to have emotions but He also gave us the fruit of self-control. Emotions can not determine how you live. He who hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down and without walls. Everybody hurts, everybody has felt the sting of betrayal or the iciness of bitterness creep into their heart. But when you put those walls up, that hardness in your demeanor...people can see that. People can see through your toughness, your I don't care, your halfhearted ministry. And often, probably more often than we even realize, it affects more than just you. All over churches, singles departments, youth ministries-people are hurting. I'm so tired of the fakeness. Let's be genuine Christians that care and that love and that serve like Jesus. Isn't that what we love to say, "Oh I just want to be like Jesus!" Well, Jesus wasn't petty, and I think the way Christians go around hurting other Christians breaks His heart.

I'm thankful tonight, this morning, for a God who has never one time hurt me. For a God who can remove the root of bitterness and replace it with contentment and His genuine love. I'm thankful for a God who forgives me and who is constantly reminding me that because He has forgiven me, I have no right to hold others to a higher standard of repentance. I'm thankful for a God that is real, in every sense of the word. A God who never makes mistakes. A God who has placed me in a church, that even though there a people that will cause me to get "church hurt" I know who I am in Christ and no one can take that away. Remember who you are. Remember Who you belong to. And dig up that root before it becomes a tree.

|| But God ||

Oh how I love those two words.
A while ago I remember reading those two words in Psalms in my devotions and I literally stopped reading and closed my Bible and just had a "wow" moment. But God. I made a note back in September that said this:

{But God}
I prayed for what I wanted-but God knew what I needed.
I am unworthy-but God gives more grace.
I am unlovable-but God still loves me.
I don't know what to do-but God has a plan for my life.
I am not good-but God is always good.
I can fail-but God never can.
I disappoint-but God is always faithful.

Five months later I could add so many more "but God" statements to that list. Tonight Today, I sit here with my heart so so full. Personally, something I struggle with is being presently content. I place my focus on everything I don't have and forget to enjoy and cherish what's right in front of me. No, I don't have everything I want right now---But God. He has given me so much. I may not have everything figured out, but God has given me some pretty wonderful amazing people that I can count on and the friendships I've made during my season of in-between have helped me through so many times when I thought it was time to give up.

We cannot see the big picture, when we complain to God: "I don't have this and my life would be so much better if I just had (insert significant other, job, degree, car, friend, etc. here)" We are basically saying "Hey God, you got it wrong and I know better so give me what I want now please! Thanks." Once again, but God! I think about all the things I wanted- even in September when I wrote that note- and I shudder to think about how my life would be right now if God had given me what I wanted and begged for back then. He knows best. There is never a time when that will not be true.

Take a second and google how many times the phrase "but God" is in the Bible. This week my favorite is Psalm 73:26 My flesh and my heart faileth but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. I am weak-but His strength is perfected in my weakness. Another excellent one, Ephesians 2:4 But God, who is rich in mercy, for his great love wherewith he loved us. A holy God loves unloveable me and not only does He love me in spite of myself- He is merciful! I mess up-but God doesn't give up.  Right now, I'm simply thankful for two little words that made a big difference in my life.

Goodbye 2015.

You are given a blank 366 page notebook.
You are given a pencil with no eraser.
Write wisely.


This is one of my favorite quotes going around this year. No one ever says "wow, this year. it's gunna be a bad one, I think I'm going to have some tough times, I think I'm gunna go through some trials, some heartache." No. That would be crazy! Everyone ends December 31 by closing a door and begins January 1st with a brand new outlook and hope for the best year ever. But about the other 364 days? Resolutions only last so long. Eventually you stop going to gym, you eat that pizza, you forget to do your devotions, or work on that book you promised you'd finish this year. And suddenly you've blinked and another year has gone by. What have you accomplished? What goals have you met? Who feels more loved or wanted, because of the impact you made on their life this past year? What have you done for God, because He has done so much for you. What did your year consist of--complaints? Simply surviving day to day? And what do you have to show for it? I don't ever want to live a life that is simply surviving when I was created to thrive.

2015 was probably the hardest year of my life. At times in the past month,  to be completely honest, I've said it was the worst. I wasn't able to use the excuse "I'm just a kid!" Because I'm not anymore. I have a full time job, and bills, and real life grown up issues to deal with. And my oh my was that quite the transition and wake up call from my comfort zone. So, I've said-"2016 is going to be my year! I can feel it." But yesterday, God tugged on my heart and said "2015 was your year too, yes it was hard, it wasn't very fun, but I taught you a lot of things, you learned a lot of hard lessons. Yes, you failed some tests, but you passed some pretty important ones, ones that would have been much harder had I had to teach you them again. Daughter, you are loved. 2016 will be your year, if you take everything you've learned from 2015 and put it to action."

So friends, let me share with you some of the highlights:

• Choose Joy.

Joy is a fruit of the Spirit, therefore nothing you can do can constitute joy. So you must choose it. You must cultivate that fruit daily. Walk in the Spirit - determining every day that you will choose joy and adjusting your attitude accordingly.

• God will place people in your life over and over again until you learn how to love them with the genuine love of Christ.

This is something I'm still learning. You'd think that after a specific personality type has been in your life about four or five times, I would learn my lesson, but I didn't. And this year, being in a brand new place with people I had never met before. God put some people in my life who's personalities and pasts were completely different than mine. And I had to see them every day! So what choice did I have but to learn my lesson! (Don't tell me God doesn't know juuuust how to put us in our place.)

But learning to love people where they are and in spite of themselves is so important, not just in ministry but in life. 

• You can't ask God to bless your finances and still buy 3 mugs a month from Target

This is self-explanatory. Live within your means and sometimes learn to say no. But don't forget to treat yo'self every once in a while. ;)

• Make friends with people who are more spiritually mature than you, so when you are going through a hard time, they will encourage and counsel you--but not sugar coat things. 

Two of my closest friends that I met this year are easily among the wisest people I know. I know that anything I'm struggling with or I need prayer for, I can ask these two and without a doubt, they will have an answer or a verse, or a prayer ready to give me. Good friends are so important, the Bible talks a lot about friendships. So choose wisely. 

• There will be times where you will be very lonely. Be careful.

Loneliness is God's way of getting our attention back on Him, but all too often, in our flesh we turn to our idols in times of loneliness. Check your heart. Late at night when you feel like no one understands. Open your bible. Pray. Talk to the One who created your feelings, the One who does understand. Do not text that boy(or girl, if you're a guy), or cry and feel sorry for yourself. Don't make emotional decisions based on a empty feeling. You will regret it and eventually have to be honest with yourself and figure out why you are feeling what you are feeling. Surround yourself with good friends, spend time with God, and sometimes-embrace being alone and being still. 

• Remember who you are. Just because someone can't see your value or worth doesn't mean your worthless. You are bought with a price.

You know that part in Lion King where Rafiki says to Simba "Remember who you are!" If you don't remember, because you haven't seen that movie, stop reading...and go watch it. Then come back. Don't let others determine your worth when Christ already has! Straighten that crown, your Father is a King. And you deserve to be treated as valuable. Waiting can be hard. But settling and complacency is cheating yourself out of the beautiful thing God has for you. 

• Ministry is about loving people and being the face of Christ for others. You can't do that if you're spiritually empty

Replenish yourself constantly. Don't get stagnant in your walk with God. If you miss a day of your reading, get back up. Don't use your devotions as a good luck charm to have a good day, because you won't always have good days. But you will always have that sweet communion with God every time you open His love letter to you.

• Stop opening doors God has closed. 

Stop it. Stop kicking and screaming in the hallway. Accept that greater is coming. That His ways are higher than yours and He sees what you cannot. God never wants to hurts us, but you will be hurt when God has to tell you about yourself because you refuse to listen to His prodding "Get up. Stop fighting. I have something better for you."

• And finally-Choose your friends wisely. Not everyone is looking out for your best interests. 

Coming into a new environment, you want to be everyone's friend. You want everyone to love you. But two things I've learned are true. (1)No matter what you do, some people are just not going to like you. And (2) some people will say that they are your friend, but their actions say the opposite. Keep your circles small. Love everyone and be kind always. But not everyone has to your be your bestie. Some people are being used by the Devil, to be part of your downfall. Rise above it. Live your life in such a way that when men speak evil of you, no one believes it. 

2015 was not easy. But I am not the same person I was on January 16, 2015 when I moved to Falls Church Virginia. And I am so thankful. God is so good. 2016 is my year, I do feel it. Some exciting things are going to happen. But it's also going to be a year full of lessons and blank pages so here's to handing God my pencil-and letting Him write a beautiful story. 

You Are Worth It

Some of the most hurtful words I've ever heard are "You're not worth it."

Those words are like ice water to the face. Four words can trigger so many other thoughts. You're not worth the effort, you're not worth my time, you're not worth my energy and emotions, you're not good enough, you're not wanted. Satan has used this lie time after time. The hurt we feel by those four words is a hurt we've allowed to manifest itself in our life. We choose to step into a toxic relationship, or a hurtful friendship and expect good things to blossom out of a relationship we should have never started.


We flirt with an irresponsible future.
We tease temptation.
We dance with foolish desires.
And we dream our lives away, wishing for a happily ever after that God has not authored.


How can we expect God to bless something He has already closed the door on?
Why do we get angry or hurt by something God has clearly said no to?

The lie is "You're not worth it." The truth is You are loved. (1 John 4:10 Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins.) You are thought about. (Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.) You are chosen. (Jeremiah 1:5a Before I formed thee in the belly, I knew thee...) You are His. (Isaiah 43:1 Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine.)

We are not created to be lonely. We have voids and holes that are meant to be filled. But we, with our flawed, narrow mindedness try to fit a corner puzzle piece into the center of the picture. Greater is coming. Don't settle for instant gratification, and risk losing the greater good that God has planned for you. Whether this is your first or seventh heartache, He is still good. He still has a plan. Trust Him. Counteract that lie with the truth and keep it moving. One day you will look back and thank Him for your hurts and disappointments because of what you learned and how much you grew from them. His plan is much bigger than anything we could plan for ourselves. Our good is not His best. Stop letting people who do so little for you control so much of your mind, feelings, and emotions. You are worth it, wait for the one who sees your worth, because He has already called you worthy.

hope for your hurts

The older I get the more I realize that people are good at telling you exactly what you want to hear. People are really good at listening to you when you want to tell secrets about yourself. People are good at flattering you, building you up, being that shoulder to lean on...and then ripping the proverbial carpet out from under you. Through the friendships I've had and lost over the years I've noticed a theme: We, and I say we because I do it too, care so much about ourselves and what others think of us and how other perceive our lives to be, we forget to be genuine. So we flatter, we lie, we listen, and we wait because eventually our friendships will stop being convenient and we can spill that dirty little secret or we can move on to the next one, carefree because we let others pour their hearts out while we simply listened. We tear others down so we can look better. We throw away sincerity for moments of popularity. So when we are hurt by a friend, a significant other, a family member, we build up walls. We vow to never be hurt like that again, never open up again, never feel that awful sting of betrayal. So we become our hurt. We listen, we are insincere, we are flatterers, we wait for others to come to us instead of reaching out for a purpose. Its a vicious cycle that almost seems unbreakable.

I am tired of the fakeness. I'm tired of putting on a different persona for different people. If I want to have genuine relationships and friendships shouldn't I be genuine? Shouldn't I care and pursue and love others deeply? Why are we so skeptical and critical of others intentions? Because we've been hurt. We are walking damaged goods and we can't be healed until we let go of the bitterness. For months I've been begging God for clarity, for answers, all while I've held bitterness against a person who I let hurt me over and over again. And I'm not going to get my answers until I let that go. It's not easy, but when God told me "No." I fought Him, and I let that hurt continue to happen when God tried to stop it with a simple answer. Check your heart. Find that root of bitterness, of insincerity, of hurt and dig it up. Get rid of it, listen to God's answer and stop fighting. He will wait as long as it takes, but wouldn't it be so much easier to let it go and rest in your Father's arms?

& nothing shall offend them.

Isn't it funny how easily we can get offended?
I am a sensitive person, and easily 25 times a day I can get my feelings hurt. But when you really take a moment and think about it, why are people so easily offended? Was it a miscommunication? Are you guilty of what they accused you of doing? Is that something you've been working on and it hurts to know you're not doing any better? Why can words be so hurtful and damaging?

One of my favorite quotes is "Be sure to taste your words before you spit them out." It's so easy in ministry, in life, at work or home to just spit out the words we are thinking. We feel a sense of entitlement to say whatever is our minds because we are "just being honest." We are so funny, we think we have this right to act a certain way, when we really only have the right to be kind and tenderhearted.{Eph 4:23} We don't have a right to be rude, to be harsh or sarcastic with a smile. God has a tendency to put people in our lives that are different than us. Maybe the way we would handle or respond to a situation is the the exact opposite of how they would respond. So, when they act a certain way we are offended.  We "get in our feelings" so to speak.  And a wall goes up. We become hard or annoyed instead of being soft and teachable.

I wonder sometimes if God is sitting up there thinking, you could have avoided this confrontation if you had simply learned the lesson when I first gave it to you. Becoming offended or angry is not the answer. The Bible says "Great peace have they that love thy law and nothing shall offend them." I cannot tell you how many times that verse has popped into my mind when I'm annoyed at someone. I find that when I am not actively pursing God and spending quality time in His word and with Him I am easily offended. But -- when I have an open line of communication with Him I am more likely to talk with Him about the current offence, instead of someone that can do nothing to change my heart or fix my problem.

I'm learning that if you refuse to confront the problem -- let it go. Otherwise talk to someone that can fix the problem instead of spreading ugly words about others. God did not save us to harbor bitterness against others, especially other Christians. Every day I'm thankful God shows more grace to me than I show to others. If my grace scale was balanced with how much I showed to others....eek. I hate to think what my life would be like. He is so good to us when we are so undeserving, and I have the right to be nothing but thankful.

 ||"Not everyone thinks the way you think. Not everyone knows the things you know. Not everyone feels the way you feel, nor acts the way you would act. Remember this and you will go a long way with people."||

{Cure For A Lonely Heart}

Personally, I think the hardest part of growing up is the realization that people grow apart. Some days it feels like I'm always losing friends. The people I was "besties" with even a few months ago, I barely text or contact anymore. Friendships from high school are almost nonexistent. People grow up, they change, they move on with their lives and you with yours. Trying to balance college, jobs, family, ministry, time for yourself...it can be overwhelming. Sometimes you don't think about the friendships you've lost. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it doesn't bother you. Relationships change, the person you thought you couldn't live without becomes a stranger. The person you thought was your "ride or die" suddenly is too busy to answer your calls. Growing up often has a harsh way of letting you know that the world doesn't revolve around you and peoples lives don't either. Social media doesn't help the hurt, you can "stalk"-- okay, maybe stalking is a harsh word, but in essence isn't that what we do by constantly viewing someone's page-- almost like opening a wound over and over again when your "bestie" or your "ex" is moving on with their lives and other people. You lose focus of the people who are there for you and have been there for you no matter and focus on the people you have lost.

It's hard. It's hurtful. But it's also just part of life. Take a second, think about the friendships, relationships, or just people you have lost. Have they been replaced? Hasn't God always put someone in your life that can fill that spot? If not with a physical person, is that a void He should have been filling in your life? Were you letting that person take the place the belongs only to Him? I'm learning that God takes away things that we put above Him. And I'm learning how easy it is to replace God with people. We can touch people, we can "rely" on people when we think God is not reliable. In all honesty, we are only setting ourselves up for hurt when we think that people could take the place of God. When we think that people could fill that longing in our heart for acceptance and love and attention.

Friendships and relationships are wonderful gifts from God, don't think I'm saying we shouldn't have friends. We just have to be careful. We get trapped in this "Peter Pan" mentality of never growing up, never taking responsibility and never discovering happiness for ourselves because we rely so much on other people for our happiness. Society puts so much pressure of us having the most friends, the most likes, the most double taps, that we forget that it's okay to be alone or just have a few close friends. The whole world doesn't have to love us, follow us, or even like us, our worth isn't tangent on the acceptance of others.

Sometimes we forget (I have to constantly remind myself) Jesus understands. He was betrayed by His friend. Someone He spent time with, someone who was supposed to "have His back" hurt Him. He gets it, He's felt those emotions. We put up these walls, this "I don't care, no one can hurt me facade." But He sees through that, and honestly most people do too. You can put all over social media how you're "over it" "Miss moving on" or just "not caring anymore" but we all know deep down you care, deep down (maybe even not so deep) you're hurt.

I think we forget we are allowed to hurt. We are allowed to be sad and to run to the One who can heal our hurts. Psalm 71:3 says ||Be thou my strong habitation whereunto I may continually resort....for thou art my rock and my fortress.|| He loves us, He wants us to come to Him. When I find myself hurting instead of texting my current "bestie" or distracting myself with Facebook or snapchat, I should be talking to the only One who can heal my hurt.

"The cure to a lonely heart is to be alone with Jesus."

Take some time to talk to Him today, let Him fill that spot--that craving for attention love and acceptance--that can only be satisfied by Him.